A L I K S I R

Closing my eyes I leaned back to rest my head against the window and seconds later was asleep and you were with me, never having come or gone you were just with|in me, a|part of me.

The floating arrived as you reached for my hand, just touching the tips of my fingers and in that whisper of promise a horn sounded, waking us from our alternat/ive realities, shaking me and reminding me to take the wheel, start the car and drive…

… The wind is blowing through my hair and out my windows the world appears a tornado of fantasy, drama and comedy; the people all wearing a mask of happy bob ross mistakes. I cry like I’ve just given birth and I laugh because you’re nowhere to be seen but you’re everywhere in between. It is pain outweighed and forgotten by the joy…

… What does one say when you meet upon another’s eyes knowing nothing will ever be the same once you look away; knowing you’ve been gifted something from the heavens; knowing you would hold it in your care forever without even knowing what care and forever meant…

…Somedays I want to crawl out of my skin as far away from the cool breeze that raises the hair on the arms that you’ve been embracing from day one, in a dimension that separates us by dry ice fog, as fake as the finality of goodbyes…

…Other days I drive, I cry, I laugh…

… Knowing your eyes are watching my hands on the steering wheel is now the only reason I drive at all. The streets are empty and the rain never ends. Everyday between 10 and 2 I look for you and every day we make it home exhausted but safe, even in the sometimes icy conditions…

…One day our eyes will remain transfixed in the approach of the others lips only to close in joy, as our hands find rest between an eternal warmth of knowing that everything is as it should be and the peace that knowing brings.


Witnessing love bleed so freely while refusing a tourniquet and then pretending all was a faint matter forced me to turn away, because who wants to watch someone you love choose death over life?  
Still here I continue to return, cutting my wrists to express that in some ways I understand what I don’t understand and know too that we bleed the same even as my eyes tear and burn at the transfusions.
In weakness you held me until I could find a sense of footing and my love only grew in proportion to the greatness of you, so it’s been most painful not to be able to hold you in return, to attempt to wear a mask of indifference and pretend love is not still growing.


Nothing has been the same | You never came | You never left